Solace, my game

Bon Iver

Bon Iver - The Wolves (Act I and II) from runangel on Vimeo.

Remind Me the Reason I Came

Remind me why I can't spend more time in a canoe and why I can't slow down the time when I get the opportunity.People always ask me why I came to St. John's from Toronto and every time I have a hard time answering them. I shrug the questions off by saying I have family here, or I heard great things about my supervisor (which are both true)...but there must be SOMETHING that pulled me here from halfway across the country. Maybe it was the romantic vision of reconnecting with my heritage, since my grandmother was born and grew up in this province, same with my closest relatives. Maybe it was the idea of living with the ocean in my window. Maybe it was that I would be halfway across the country. Every few years I get the pull inside my chest to uproot myself and live somewhere new.

Whether it be a new city or a new province. I applied to Memorial with a strong level of confidence for being accepted and googled all the interesting places and shops I could enjoy while I was here. But since I've been here I've hardley been to any restaurants or bars, hardley been able to explore beyond the tolerance of my legs walking up and down hills for a few hours, and tend to revisit the same places over and over. While I did the same in both Hamilton and Toronto I never felt as limited as I do here. It is an island, and maybe I'm getting cabin fever from being isolated by ocean from the rest of Canada. No freedom to hop on a train and travel to different cities and provinces. To be fair, there is much of this gorgeous province that I have yet to experience, but with limited means and opportunities to do so. I feel badly enough calling upon my cousin whenever I need a lift to the pet store, since the bussing experience is less than enjoyable, let alone asking me few friends if they want to take a road trip. I'm not that brave, or close to anyone.

One thing that I think would get me motivated to get outside and be part of group events is a photography club. Unfortunately, the university doesn't organize such a thing, and I find it outrageous to imagine paying to be part of such an experience, since I don't do it to become better or to hone my professional skills. I do it for the thrill and satisfaction of finding a moment worthy of preserving, of being outside and turning on my imagination and heightening my senses in search of beauty. I wonder how far my reach would extend if I took the initiative to start this myself... I am again lacking the resources to give guidance on locations, techniques and equipment, but maybe there are other people like me, looking for a means to achieve the same ends. I would even loan out my cameras for the day. Maybe I'll just start looking into places I could go alone to get back on the wagon. I am way out of practice. Something that has always instantly inspired me is the excursion, the journey into the wilderness, canoeing, hiking, lugging, lifting, groaning and becoming sore from overworked muscles, and generally enjoying myself in the torture of pushing myself beyond normal (sloth-like) operating functions. It has been too long since I've felt that.

I wish I could bypass the rest of my foreseeable future, to access the unknown time yet to come, for an adventure.

The Neanderthal Doesn't Want to Stand Up

Wow, I can't seem to keep this going no matter how much I want to (from time to time). I open the page to check the blogs I follow, get inspired, and then lose all interest when I read my old posts or look at the main page. My puppydogblog outside in the cold, scratching at the door.

It's a grey-ocean day and kind of reflects my sentiments on being back in St. John's. In some ways there is always the enticing mystery of the ocean waiting to be discovered, but when it comes down to it, it's just frigid, vast and dangerous. I miss the spontaneity of living in Hamilton where friends could drop in...and would. Mini-escapes have now been replaced by long-term plans, extravagant air travel, obligation to take advantage of the visiting time by seeing everyone, and confusion about where I feel more at home- alone or in the past.

Now it's time to plot the course for the rest of my necessary time here, break it up into manageable pieces and set goals to make it to each piece. And to muster some interest in getting to that last piece.